A la une Le guignol

Je deale avec le diable au nom de la «demoncratie»

Monsieur le président fondateur de la République, je vous salue. Permettez d’abord que je vous félicite pour votre brillante victoire à la dernière élection présidentielle. Celle-ci a été contestée par des contestataires contestés eux-mêmes par leurs propres camarades de l’opposition opposée. Je vous tire un coup de chapeau, chers opposants « alimentaires ».

Monsieur le président fondateur de la République, je vous salue. Permettez d’abord que je vous félicite pour votre brillante victoire à la dernière élection présidentielle. Celle-ci a été contestée par des contestataires contestés eux-mêmes par leurs propres camarades de l’opposition opposée. Je vous tire un coup de chapeau, chers opposants « alimentaires ».

Monsieur le Nkunkuma, je disais tantôt que je suis très heureux que vous soyez encore là pour un nouveau mandat.

Au moment où vous entamez ce nouveau bail, j’ai flop (beaucoup) de doléances qui peuvent remplir tout mon village. Par où commencer ? Je commencerai par la propreté dans mon kwatt (quartier). J’aimerai habiter dans un coin chic, propre comme les rues de Paris. Je vous aiderai à le nettoyer en jetant les peaux de banane et d’arachide par terre. Akah ! Hysacam viendra ramasser non !

Oui Monsieur le président réélu, je vais cracher par terre, si j’ai la nausée après avoir vu le fils de mon voisin chier et faire pipi dans le grand drain qui nous sépare de l’autre quartier là-bas.

N’oubliez pas que c’est de votre faute si mon fils se saoule la gueule à 16 ans, engrosse les nanas et pisse dans le caniveau où Me Ndoki s’est renversée l’autre jour.

Ne vous inquiétez pas Nkunkuma, je vais vous aider à promouvoir la destination Cameroun en dénigrant toutes vos initiatives sur les réseaux sociaux sur des plateaux de télévision et radio.

Vous savez que je suis un patriote hein, un citoyen, et un panafricaniste non, monsieur ? Je vais donc mettre toutes ces qualités en valeur en refusant de chanter l’hymne national, en détruisant les édifices publics, en prônant le tribalisme et la haine sur les réseaux sociaux. Ce sera mon gagne-pain. Ce sera ma contribution durant ce nouveau septennat.

Ne vous inquiétez surtout pas, je ne vendrai jamais mon pays aux opérateurs de guerre dans le monde. Je prendrai juste leur argent à travers mon ONG. En retour, je vais leur fournir toutes les informations pourries visant à épingler mon pays dans les grands rapports internationaux ou à le déstabiliser. Moi quoi dedans hein, je dois aussi vivre non ? Je voyage à travers le monde avec l’argent du sang, c’est ma façon à moi de vous aider à construire un pays de rêve.

Vous pouvez compter sur moi pour réussir votre mandat. Je vais tout faire à l’ envers au nom de la liberté d’expression, je vais dealer avec les ennemis de la paix et je vais condamner les forces de l’ordre, qui assurent ma sécurité et celle de ma famille au quotidien. Je le ferai au nom de la « demoncratie ». Je le ferai aussi au nom du buzz.

Didier Ndengue
PARTAGER
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